


Press Y to Wark

by The_Exile



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Chocobos, Gen, Humor, KWEH, Untitled Goose Game References, mention of Yuffie, wark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Exile/pseuds/The_Exile
Summary: A mischievous chocobo steals things from Sephiroth and totally ruins  the dramatic tension.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8
Collections: Press Start VI





	Press Y to Wark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silveradept](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/gifts).



Sephiroth felt before he spotted the distinct lack of black materia in his belt pouch. That alluring rush of dark, destructive power was gone from the back of his mind. The alien whispers in his head, strangely feminine in an incomprehensibly powerful way, had been more insistent lately as he neared his goal. Now they sounded faintly pissed off with him at losing the important item again. 

He reached into his pouch, muttering irritably to himself about mothers and how much of a nag they could be sometimes. His hand closed over nothing. 

From further on into the forest, he heard a loud, shrill 'KWEH!'.

___

The wrong-smelling human - he stank of the world's life-force after it had been through one of the big noisy metal things and the chocobo was unconvinced he was human at all - was looking around for his black sparkly gem. The chocobo had learned something of human body language, which this creature more or less still possessed. The bird could tell that the man was looking very confused and continuously glancing at where he had just removed the jewel from. It had made his feathers stand on end and an unpleasant tingling sensation and rusty metal taste pass through his beak. It had looked so pretty and would make the perfect addition to his collection of sparkling stones that surged with unknown power - he didn't have any black ones at all yet - but his instinct to hoard shiny things was now warring with his other reflex to drop things on the floor when they had an uncomfortable, possibly dangerous feel to them.

A few seconds was all it took for his deceptively cunning avian brain to calculate a good compromise between the two actions. He'd spotted a glowing white seam of the Lifestream earlier that always made things transform in interesting ways, or at least burn pretty colours, when he dropped them inside it. He'd not tried it with a Black Materia before, on account of not having ever seen a Black Materia until now. 

___

"No, no, give that back this instant!" ordered Sephiroth, sprinting after the Chocobo. It was only a common-or-garden yellow variety but it was clearly an excellent specimen. Had he been in the business of racing, he'd probably capture it in order to breed it with a black chocobo. As it was, trying to outrun the bird over a short distance was futile even for a genetically perfect augmented specimen such as himself. The chocobo had reached the exposed seam of lifestream and was, much to Sephiroth's horror, about to drop the Black Materia inside it.

"Hey, that's dangerous! You can't try and do something like that without the proper tools, rituals and location - you don't know what will happen! It might explode and take out this entire mountain," said Sephiroth, feeling foolish for talking to a bird. The chocobo had tilted his head and was now regarding him with unblinking dark eyes.

"Kweh?"

"That's right," he said, "Just put it down, leave it alone and NO DON'T DROP IT!"

"Wark!" startled by the man's raucous yelling, the bird dropped the Materia and ran off, flapping his wings indignantly as he went. 

Channeling raw Mako into his body, forcing his strength and speed to his limit, Sephiroth leapt. Just before the Materia could disappear into the cracks of the Lifestream, he brushed it with his fingertips. He didn't manage to catch it but at least had knocked it clear, off into a thorn bush where he thought he could see a nest of angry Hedgehog Pies stirring.

\---

Entirely preoccupied by this diversion, Sephiroth did not see that the bird was already doubling back on himself to enact the second stage of his nefarious plan. If he wasn't going to leave with the black shiny thing, he would at least take the man's cool-looking sharp poky stick!

"Wark," he complained at the effort of lifting the unnecessarily long weapon. He was glad of all the training he'd put in during the races he'd been forced to run before he escaped for the third time. That had been quite a fun week, he had to admit, despite the inconvenience of having to race. He'd managed to steal the gold, silver AND bronze trophies, a bottle of celebratory champagne and a piece of paper that taught you how to wave a sharp poky stick around a lot of times in a split second. He didn't think it worked with long sticks, only wide sticks, but he wondered if he should try it out anyway now that he had a decent one.

Then again, the way the man was carrying on, the black jewel was clearly very important to him. The chocobo was curious to know why. If he dropped the pointy stick and maybe messed with a few more things along the way, he could hopefully distract the man for long enough to steal the jewel back. 

The most fun part of stealing the glowing gems was when the sharp-spiky-metal-throwing human who was almost as sneaky as him got blamed for the thefts instead of him. Then she would get angry at him for having to take his rap. She was a lot more interesting a rival than this stupid-haired human and she accidentally led him to all sorts of interesting stolen item collections of her own.

\---

Sephiroth wondered if it would be considered a frivolous waste of an important resource to drop an entire Meteo spell on a single chocobo. It might be worth it, to stop the bird's reign of terror. That could not be an ordinary chocobo, with that kind of strength, speed and tactical genius. Maybe there was some sort of bounty on its head. Already it was running towards Cosmo Canyon, seemingly aware that Sephiroth was unwilling to head back there and fight every guardian beast that might still be lurking in the place. Besides, it was only a sword in the end and he could get another - he needed to leave while he still had the Black Materia. If it wasn't thieving birds, it was Cloud who would be coming to interfere with his plans.

"You won this battle, bird," he declared, "But I will be back to claim what is rightfully mine."

"Wark," came the answering call from the other end of the valley.


End file.
